An "ah-ha!" moment...

Just in the past 3 months, Kyle and I have restructured our disciplining style somewhat. One of the most prevalent aspects of this new style comes in the form of physical discipline - spanking. Yes its been used in the past but without seeking God's approval and wisdom but rather as a quick get-to-the-point form of punishment. I have at moments found my anger to be so intense that I feared harming Katie or William but was also stubborn in my approach and felt that I had to "follow through" or else the lesson at hand would be compromised in its effectiveness.

Well, it wasn't until this anger turned into a rage one night that I was quickly aware of the unGodly approach we were choosing to take with our children and their discipline. I knew in my heart of hearts that spanking them wasn't wrong and that there was most definitely a time and a place for it -- we were fine with that. But something was missing and I didn't have any idea of where to start. So we just stopped.

Stopped spanking altogether and tried other approaches.

One night while taking our babysitter home I was enlightened to my daughter's lack of respect for authority. Emily had politely enforced that Katie eat her dinner and Katie suddenly erupted into screaming at Emily that "no! she won't eat her dinner!" She continued with this exceptional behavior throughout the evening. When Kyle and I spoke later that evening I was livid. I couldn't believe that Katie would think that she could scream at Emily like that! I began thinking of "things" to take away from her - privileges to deprive her of - when alas, God opened my eyes. The punishment didn't fit the crime. It was rather arbitrary and was a continuation of the lack of effective discipline she'd been receiving.

I quickly picked up the phone and dialed Amy Baron's number in Bellingham.

This is what wise Amy said,

If this were my daughter, I would go into her room immediately after she wakes up in the morning and explain to her that Emily told me about her behavior the evening before. Because of that behavior she would need to receive a 'discipline on the bottom', ask for my forgiveness, then she will need to call Emily and ask for her forgiveness.

I prepared myself for what could be a 'fight' in the morning when Katie says that 'no, she will not call Emily and ask for her forgiveness'. I asked Amy what she would do in THAT situation.

She responded with such a simple answer,

I would tell her that 'okay, then you will receive another 'discipline on your bottom' for being disobedient to Mom', she would then need to ask my forgiveness for being disobedient to me, and then we would continue on with calling Emily.

It made so much sense! It was all about owning your sinful nature, asking forgiveness from those you've offended, and then restoring the relationship. The gospel message, plain and simple. Our sinful nature... our owning our sinful nature... our asking forgiveness from the only one who can offer forgiveness for our sinful nature... and therefore accept the relationship He has to offer us. We are restored back to our Creator.

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Well, lately... oh dear heavens. My 3 year old has made me so angry that I actually kept myself physically from her for most of the day last Thursday because of her lack of respect for my authority. She was disobedient and disrespectful. I was in tears -- without her knowing, of course. I didn't know what had happened to my 'heart of gold' child and found myself spiraling into the fear that this was just who she was and that it would be like this for a very long time.

At that moment, I gave up. I gave up on what I had prayed about as far as discipline goes... I gave up on what Kyle and I had agreed on with how we were restructuring our disciplining... I gave up on caring pretty much... I've been lethargic and compliant. And not in a way that creates children after God's own heart.

But to my credit they've been rather well behaved! They've been better listeners... or have they? They've been better at obedience... or have they? Has it seemed so just because I haven't put up the fight? Has it been 'easier' because I've rolled my eyes and chosen to back down from what I know is Godly parenting -- otherwise, extremely hard and time-consuming parenting?

A close friend of mine has mentioned throughout our friendship anytime that we've talked about parenting that she doesn't quite understand why I do things the way that I do them. She says, 'I feel as though I get the same results and I don't spank or inflict any physical punishment on my children' -- we have talked about the difference in how quickly her techniques become effective... not as quickly as mine. But isn't that just the nature of the beast?! When you physically discipline appropriately, you see faster results. Both she and I understood that and were comfortable with it - I, with my physical discipline, and her, with her non-physical discipline.

So lately, as I've watched my children be 'easier to maintain' I've had this unsatisfactory feeling about where their hearts are. I've realized that I'm NOT doing my parenting job by allowing them one... two... THREE warnings before they obey. No! I am failing my children miserably when I allow them to be disobedient even once! When they disobey they are outside the realm of God's blessing! When there is a warning enacted, there is an intentional decision as a parent to let them to live in the luke-warm! So 'no warnings?', you ask. Correct! Why would we allow our children to live for that nanosecond of time outside of the realm of God's blessing? Its not THAT moment that matters for that moment has come and gone... its the next moment immediately before a warning is given. The child has disobeyed their authority knowingly and they are sitting in the midst of the luke-warm. It is our job to keep them from folly! To raise them in a way that teaches them the authority of God and all He asks of us as His creation.

Tonight I will pray for the ability to parent in such a way that God's glory is brought to the forefront of every decision my children make. Please don't laugh or shake your head... it IS possible and I know that God has asked us, as assignees raising up HIS children, to show them that it is His glory that matters. The children get it... more than we do sometimes.

So here I am... once again. Realizing that 'the rod' is necessary in Kyle and I's parenting. And its necessary immediately. To maintain it is hard in the beginning but it then plateaus and eventually its few and far between. You have kids who hear the gospel message even in the midst of correction -- especially in the midst of correction. To enforce 'the rod' without following it up with wisdom and teaching can't be Godly and I can imagine why so many parents in our day and age are shying away from it. The rod is used to render a child's heart humble and ready to hear 'life giving words', as mentioned in Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart.

Unbridled anticipation

Remember when you were little and the "countdown" was always Christmas day... it was rare that I counted down to my BIRTHDAY although I always knew that it was "next week" or in a "couple of days", etc.

The one thing that I always counted down to was our family's trip to Lincoln City, Oregon. I think that was so important to me because it wasn't often that my Dad had one ENTIRE week off of work where he didn't have to go anywhere (most exciting thing!)... it wasn't often that we got to see the ocean... it wasn't often that Mom and Dad took off to take "romantic walks" although their PDA has never been lacking... it wasn't often that we got to eat crab without stopping... it wasn't often that our entire family - extended as well - sat and hung out doing who-knows-what for seven days straight... and it wasn't often that we got to hang out with Grandpa and Grandma Berges for a lengthy period of time -- so lengthy that their bickering began to wear on you just as you were packing up to leave...

In ten days we will embark on our annual trip to the Oregon Coast. We have done this for years... ever since I was in Elementary School! You know, when Angie and I were best of friends and Geoff usually hung out with Kevin Johnson. David's best friend, Nick Nunamaker, was always around and we spent ample amounts of time at Julie Moyer's house swimming except when she and I were fighting... in fact, it was around that time in my life when I learned what it meant to "turn the other cheek" and so as Julie walked off the bus I told her I would pray for her! More specifically that I would "pray for her heart to be warmer". I still remember the moment when she looked at me like I was the scum on the bottom of her oh-so-cool turquoise with pink rubber Keds. She and I both had mullets... she didn't have that much on me.

So here it is again. Our anticipated week before the week before the week at the beach. During this particular week I usually make all of the unnecessary lists that are simply my "venting" of excited energy. I don't need to make these lists... much like when someone puts something on their list that they've already done just so they can cross it off... it feels just as nauseatingly Type A as that does but with a bit more fruitfulness. I will use these lists but I won't actually attempt to DO anything with them until about Thursday night before the Saturday that we leave - which is 5 days from now.

... I'm getting so tired I'm going to publish this post without finishing any of my thoughts. So here you have it. I can't wait for next week!

Our visit to "the Island"

Thank you Grandpa and Grandma Schei for our wonderful visit to your house...

We loved eating breakfast on the deck and discussing politics such as whether or not Spiderman and Batman will ever unite forces and if Barbie should be a "girls only" toy...


We loved being silly and laughing together...


We loved helping you plant the oh-so-important bushes...

And Benjamin loved his very first swim...


And in fact, he was exhausted and lounged in the sun while he caught some shut eye...

Thank you for all of the fun we had... we love you both sooooo much...

4th of July 2008 - Schei and O'Shea

We spent the day celebrating our independence with the O'Sheas at their house in Snohomish. The men and children waded down the river 50 yds to "Rock Island" located in the middle of the Pilchuck River. Kyle and Andy spent a good hour building a rock wall in hopes of creating the perfect swimming hole for the kids amidst the gentle rapids. Michelle and I sat on their patio discussing our life, the liberty that some peoples' children take to just speak their mind regardless of how young and inexperienced they are, and the pursuit of happiness - in other words, getting through the next 7 months until Benjamin walks and can be somewhat independent of me or in Michelle's case, telling off those few 9 year olds who have lost all social tact, consequently causing hurt feelings in hopes of boosting their own ego... yes, I encouraged this immature behavior in Michelle. When you spend most of the day embracing the lives of your children and all they encounter, sometimes you find yourself punching a 5 year old in the face in order to release the aggression you've had pent up since that one girl in middle school kissed your boyfriend behind the portables.

You never completely heal from those things.

After emerging from the river one by one, the children sunk into the hot tub. The big kids worked on large feats such as holding their breath under water while William stood on the sidelines shooting every head that popped up with his first ever water gun. It was so fun to watch.






















For dinner we barbecued steaks, hot dogs and hamburgers. Devoured a large bowl of freshly picked strawberries and helped ourselves to one, if not two, helpings of dessert. The kids entertained themselves for a couple more hours while the adults sat and enjoyed each others' company outside. Ben, of course, either standing atop someone's legs doing his best impression of a bobblehead or attached to my breast.

I really can't wait until he walks.

The game plan for the evening was to stay put until dusk arrived, caravan up to Marysville and witness the Everett fireworks display. A client of Andy's invited us to take up residence for the evening in their vacant million-dollar home overlooking the bay. Once we arrived, the men and children, once again, took off for the water while Michelle and I sat and chatted. It was at that moment that I turned around with a look of confusion as I heard the faint sounds of patriotic music spilling from the kitchen window out onto the patio. I looked at Michelle and asked, "did you bring your own music?" She had. So there we were. Like a couple of old ladies sitting side by side and embracing the joys and pains of our country's history in silence. But then I couldn't stop laughing and shaking my head at the two of us. I'd regain my composure, pay respect to the moment and then fall into laughter again. I believe I cried I was grinning so hard. It was an awesome moment. While the music played we pulled our blankets up to our chins and prepared ourselves for the return of the men and children up from the water. The evening had only begun.


It was from there that we watched thousands of fireworks throughout the evening. Kids were up until after 11pm - something we've never done before. Seriously. But there was so much joy to be had as we sat sprawled out on the lawn looking up at the sky and laughing with our friends.
Its gonna be hard to top this year's 4th, that's for sure.

Adverse effects

I can try with all my might to look as though I don't have extra skin hanging around my mid-section. I CAN fit into my old jeans but that's not to say I would ever in my life again wear my old jeans and a bikini top - which at one time in my life I know I thought was a sexy outfit. Nope. In fact, if you were to see me in my jeans without a top on your eyes would be drawn to the raisin-esque skin that now has taken up residence in the most precarious spots. No matter how much effort I put into fitting that loose skin neatly into the top of my jeans so as to look flat, I can't seem to make it magically disappear.

This is not unlike the physics law that says something to the tune of not being able to create mass out of nothing nor is one able to make mass become "non-existent" - whatever that law is. Same as when you try to eat an overstuffed sandwich neatly or try to bite into the Skinny Cow without spilling ice cream out the backside. A Smore is another GREAT example. When trying our darndest to control something that is uncontrollable in nature our efforts are in vain.

Which brings me to my point.

July 1st was a day of great distress as I realized I couldn't hold my phone anymore while driving. I know, I know. Some of you are saying its a "secondary offense"! But what CAN'T an officer pull you over for in order to say, "oh, and by the way Mam, you had your cell phone up to your ear and that's illegal too"... So, just yesterday my husband taught me how to use my first ever blue tooth headset.

Oh man. Like I said, our efforts are in vain when we try to control the uncontrollable. Doesn't anyone out there helping to create these laws know that if a Mom has her hand occupied by holding a phone up to her ear at least she's limited in what she can do while talking on the phone. The stuff that I pulled off yesterday WHILE talking to my brother on the phone would have boiled any safety expert's blood. They would have been baffled in fact. What they tried to control was my the attention that I divert from the road when I'm holding my phone up to my ear. What they didn't realize is that I can now drive with my left hand, hold a pacifier in my son's mouth, look in the rear view mirror at the comical faces of my 2 and 3 year old in the backseat WHILST talking on the phone. All the while feeling a bit out of sorts because it takes extra effort for me to figure out how to HANG UP... CALL... etc.

The skin cascades over the top of my snug-fitting Lucky jeans every time I sit down, the mustard and mayo combo squeezes out the backside of my sandwich despite careful manipulation, the ice cream inevitably drips on my recently mopped floor and my ability to multi-task while driving has grown exponentially.

Thank you to those who are always trying to save me from my own self. Better said, my own stupidity.

Good luck to you.

Creating Moments

Its rather plastic to think about "creating moments" because 'moments' should just happen. But I've found as a Mom that the more you try to create them the more extraordinary moments you have. Making the effort to bring together the unlikely scenario in hopes of experiencing something extraordinary rarely fails to deliver.

Today, in spite of the thunder, lightning and unpredictable rainfall I took the kids to feed the ducks down at Silver Lake. I sported the Moby Wrap with Benjamin fit snugly inside while Katie and William wore their rain-gear and crocks. We had stopped at Central Market to purchase some hot dog buns and made our way down to the water.

We were alone. Surprise.

I believe even the ducks made us feel stupid. Their hesitant approach suggested that nobody would be there to feed them with a rationale mindset and instead we were there to skin them illegally and take them home for dinner. I took a deep breath and said, "c'mon you stupid poultry just create some memories and give me the benefit of the doubt for god's sakes." They did! I've never seen the kids so close to the ducks before! We unloaded 8 hot dog buns in less than 5 minutes and the kids didn't want to leave.

Don't give me too much credit (and maybe you're not), realize that on the way from Central Market to the park I considered going straight home and apologizing to the kids that the weather made it "impossible" for us to feed the ducks. But I knew that was BS. I knew that in the Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter there could exist any number of reasons NOT to do something and instead I wanted to find a reason TO do something. We would survive... and the kids would enjoy it. And oh wow, I enjoyed it too! Shocking.

Of course I enjoyed it! The fresh air. The rain. My kids. The silence away from society because they were all indoors at the moment - rationally so.

We had a wonderful time. And for a moment, I just encourage you to think outside your box and allow yourself to get soaked. You'll love it! So what if it takes you 15 minutes to exit the vehicle considering all the preparation involved! So what if your van gets wet! So what if your kids ride home naked! So what if you have an extra load of laundry!

The kids will sleep better and so will you.

Last night in Seattle

Early this morning I woke to lightning illuminating Kyle and I's bedroom followed by the inevitable boom of thunder. The thunder was awesome. It was the kind of thunder that surprises you because it makes your bones jitter inside your body. The first crack sounds and then it only escalates. Each time there's some unfounded anxiety that it will escalate to a point that it... I don't know! That's what creates the anxiety! Will it... wake the kids? knock you over? make the ground explode? break a window? fall on you? I don't understand it but for some millisecond of time anxiety is created and then it is gone and what's left is exhilaration. At least for me. I love this stuff.

Before going to bed, whilst locking up the house, I witnessed eery flickers of light down the hallway, up the staircase, in the entryway... finally it occurred to me that it was coming from outside. I beckoned Kyle to the front stoop and there I sat curled forward between his legs with his arms wrapped around me and his chin resting on my shoulder. With wonder I waited... anticipating that there'd be another flash coming soon. I wanted to wake the kids and experience it with them in hopes that they would find it as breathtaking as I did. But I wouldn't dare. I felt like I was dating again, unfortunately for Kyle, without the temptation to go upstairs and make out. I was so tired.