An "ah-ha!" moment...

Just in the past 3 months, Kyle and I have restructured our disciplining style somewhat. One of the most prevalent aspects of this new style comes in the form of physical discipline - spanking. Yes its been used in the past but without seeking God's approval and wisdom but rather as a quick get-to-the-point form of punishment. I have at moments found my anger to be so intense that I feared harming Katie or William but was also stubborn in my approach and felt that I had to "follow through" or else the lesson at hand would be compromised in its effectiveness.

Well, it wasn't until this anger turned into a rage one night that I was quickly aware of the unGodly approach we were choosing to take with our children and their discipline. I knew in my heart of hearts that spanking them wasn't wrong and that there was most definitely a time and a place for it -- we were fine with that. But something was missing and I didn't have any idea of where to start. So we just stopped.

Stopped spanking altogether and tried other approaches.

One night while taking our babysitter home I was enlightened to my daughter's lack of respect for authority. Emily had politely enforced that Katie eat her dinner and Katie suddenly erupted into screaming at Emily that "no! she won't eat her dinner!" She continued with this exceptional behavior throughout the evening. When Kyle and I spoke later that evening I was livid. I couldn't believe that Katie would think that she could scream at Emily like that! I began thinking of "things" to take away from her - privileges to deprive her of - when alas, God opened my eyes. The punishment didn't fit the crime. It was rather arbitrary and was a continuation of the lack of effective discipline she'd been receiving.

I quickly picked up the phone and dialed Amy Baron's number in Bellingham.

This is what wise Amy said,

If this were my daughter, I would go into her room immediately after she wakes up in the morning and explain to her that Emily told me about her behavior the evening before. Because of that behavior she would need to receive a 'discipline on the bottom', ask for my forgiveness, then she will need to call Emily and ask for her forgiveness.

I prepared myself for what could be a 'fight' in the morning when Katie says that 'no, she will not call Emily and ask for her forgiveness'. I asked Amy what she would do in THAT situation.

She responded with such a simple answer,

I would tell her that 'okay, then you will receive another 'discipline on your bottom' for being disobedient to Mom', she would then need to ask my forgiveness for being disobedient to me, and then we would continue on with calling Emily.

It made so much sense! It was all about owning your sinful nature, asking forgiveness from those you've offended, and then restoring the relationship. The gospel message, plain and simple. Our sinful nature... our owning our sinful nature... our asking forgiveness from the only one who can offer forgiveness for our sinful nature... and therefore accept the relationship He has to offer us. We are restored back to our Creator.

****

Well, lately... oh dear heavens. My 3 year old has made me so angry that I actually kept myself physically from her for most of the day last Thursday because of her lack of respect for my authority. She was disobedient and disrespectful. I was in tears -- without her knowing, of course. I didn't know what had happened to my 'heart of gold' child and found myself spiraling into the fear that this was just who she was and that it would be like this for a very long time.

At that moment, I gave up. I gave up on what I had prayed about as far as discipline goes... I gave up on what Kyle and I had agreed on with how we were restructuring our disciplining... I gave up on caring pretty much... I've been lethargic and compliant. And not in a way that creates children after God's own heart.

But to my credit they've been rather well behaved! They've been better listeners... or have they? They've been better at obedience... or have they? Has it seemed so just because I haven't put up the fight? Has it been 'easier' because I've rolled my eyes and chosen to back down from what I know is Godly parenting -- otherwise, extremely hard and time-consuming parenting?

A close friend of mine has mentioned throughout our friendship anytime that we've talked about parenting that she doesn't quite understand why I do things the way that I do them. She says, 'I feel as though I get the same results and I don't spank or inflict any physical punishment on my children' -- we have talked about the difference in how quickly her techniques become effective... not as quickly as mine. But isn't that just the nature of the beast?! When you physically discipline appropriately, you see faster results. Both she and I understood that and were comfortable with it - I, with my physical discipline, and her, with her non-physical discipline.

So lately, as I've watched my children be 'easier to maintain' I've had this unsatisfactory feeling about where their hearts are. I've realized that I'm NOT doing my parenting job by allowing them one... two... THREE warnings before they obey. No! I am failing my children miserably when I allow them to be disobedient even once! When they disobey they are outside the realm of God's blessing! When there is a warning enacted, there is an intentional decision as a parent to let them to live in the luke-warm! So 'no warnings?', you ask. Correct! Why would we allow our children to live for that nanosecond of time outside of the realm of God's blessing? Its not THAT moment that matters for that moment has come and gone... its the next moment immediately before a warning is given. The child has disobeyed their authority knowingly and they are sitting in the midst of the luke-warm. It is our job to keep them from folly! To raise them in a way that teaches them the authority of God and all He asks of us as His creation.

Tonight I will pray for the ability to parent in such a way that God's glory is brought to the forefront of every decision my children make. Please don't laugh or shake your head... it IS possible and I know that God has asked us, as assignees raising up HIS children, to show them that it is His glory that matters. The children get it... more than we do sometimes.

So here I am... once again. Realizing that 'the rod' is necessary in Kyle and I's parenting. And its necessary immediately. To maintain it is hard in the beginning but it then plateaus and eventually its few and far between. You have kids who hear the gospel message even in the midst of correction -- especially in the midst of correction. To enforce 'the rod' without following it up with wisdom and teaching can't be Godly and I can imagine why so many parents in our day and age are shying away from it. The rod is used to render a child's heart humble and ready to hear 'life giving words', as mentioned in Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart.