I'm not sure I'm ready to move on. I'm not even sure I want to be 'done'... although I'm sure that I don't want another. Although, I'm not sure that I'm sure.
Benjamin is big -- not fat and chubby, he's solid. You look at him and think, 'oh cute'... and then you lift him up and think 'holy ____, where's he storing the bricks?' There's nothing light about him. He's taken steps, he'll be walking within the next 10 days, I'd imagine. He's babbling with purpose - things like 'anana!' (banana) and 'oddy!' (Katie)... he shakes his head and has taken to some of his 'signs' such as MORE and ALL DONE. He's not a baby anymore... he's a toddler.
Holding one... wiping one... and disciplining another... its what I'm used to! What will I do when this is no longer the contents of my morning, afternoon and evening?! I've got my dear friend who is most likely cuddling and carrying around her beautiful 5.5 lb., 18" long newborn, Reese (notice I didn't mention 'soothing'... I don't remember those moments). I'm a little jealous. My other friend is 6 months pregnant with her third child as she hosts her 3 year old and 14 month old at home on a daily basis. I'm jealous. And those that are just around the corner about ready to break the news to the world that they are EXPECTING... (no, I have not heard yet, I've just been around the block enough to put money on it). I'm jealous.
No, no, no. Don't get all hot and bothered and begin making notes on what you're going to say to me when you see me next. I don't want to hear it and I won't listen... my heart speaks loudest of all. And like I said. I'm sure... and I'm not sure that I'm sure. There's nothing I can do but cut through the honeymoon of it all and realize the honeymoon of the 'here and now' -- I should be jealous of MYSELF. I mean, I'm sleeping (for the most part)... I'm not nursing (that just reminded me, I need a new training bra)... my kids don't scream without some way of being soothed. Soothed 'quickly', might I add...
But oh! The ANTICIPATION of the birth... the ELATION of the newborn in the hospital (I love that first day)... the EXCITEMENT of bringing him/her home for the first time... the ORGANIZATION of juggling more kids than you've ever juggled before... the daily AFFIRMATION that this one belongs to you and you'd die for it. Yes, so much more is involved but I don't seem to remember all that...
Honestly, the only reason that I'm not jumping back into the saddle is because of photography. I have a dream to truly invest myself into this profession and I'm excited to see where it takes me... slowly but surely, I will mold my desires for another baby into something that I believe God is creating in my heart.
The desire to capture all that surrounds me on a daily basis. There is so much awesomeness in my children, in YOUR children, that I've yet to completely indulge myself in what God has given us.
Oi.
2 comments:
That first day in the hospital is intoxicating. I hear ya! We just had the talk last night too....
ohhh...i am so there with you. it's like God wipes away the memories of how much i couldn't stand pregnancy and now i am jealous of pregnant ladies! what the ___! both my sister and sister-in-law are pregnant. and i just have to remind myself...like kittens to cats, if/when i have another, they too, will grow up! i join you my friend!
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