Love Him Better

Just yesterday evening Kyle informed me that a couple we've known for the last 10 or so years was getting divorced. We watched them as they built their relationship after meeting, we were part of the bridal party at their wedding and have continued a relationship with them since - trying to bridge the miles between us by visiting them each summer on our way to the Oregon Coast.

What's interesting is that God has been doing a work on me for the last few months and it all began to make sense during the funeral service last weekend in La Grand, Oregon. I want you to love your husband better. Not necessarily more because love isn't measurable in that way. He wanted me to begin at that moment loving my husband better. Chad and Kathy had a love affair and it was what made an impression on those around them from the time they met at 14 years of age. Now that's not to say that there weren't times Chad may have been locked out of the house -- that's nothing more than assumption -- or times Kathy may have wanted to bail! But the intensity of the love that God built between the two of them was inseparable by man and in Chad's passing Kathy was impacted in a way only God could empathize with.

I have no doubt the love Kyle has for me -- he does an exceptional job of showing me and I don't always receive it. He showers me with praise and encouragement; he's slow to anger and extremely patient; he keeps his heart contrite and is quick to correct it when its wrong; he communicates openly with me and when he's not [communicating openly] its a result of him being completely oblivious; he gets up early with the kids and lets me sleep; he calls me from work to say he loves me; he always calls on his way home to see if I need anything from the store... he adores me. He doesn't love me more than I love him... just better.

In my heartache of hearing of our friends' divorce I began contemplating how weird and unfamiliar that must feel... I can't even leave for a few days without dealing with the side effects of feeling unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone -- Kyle is the one I want to be around day in and day out... how does that change so drastically in one's marriage? I was speaking with my Mom today on the phone and discussing the oddity of the such things that God had such different intentions for and I told her:

I know in my heart of hearts that I will never be opposite Kyle in the courtroom...
I know in my heart of hearts that we will be tempted day in and day out...
And I know in my heart of hearts that prayer will be the only safety from an Enemy that seeks to destroy us...

Kyle and I have begun taking time to pray together just before he walks out the door in the morning. We are building a shelter around our marriage and seeking the Lord to bring us joy unimaginable in each other.

Not So Family Friendly and Kid Safe.

As I ran my errands this morning I braved the local Christian radio station - of which I'm not a big fan of. The "uplifting and kid-safe" motto is not what inspires me to listen to it from time to time... I actually DO enjoy some Christian music out there and if it weren't for the unflappable cheerful tone that plagues the station no matter what they're talking about, I might be more apt to listen. I mean no offense to anyone who enjoys this station -- it just doesn't suit me or the faith that I cling to on a daily basis. I'm one who awakes in the morning, tussled hair and sweaty, gulping my 2 cups of coffee as if it were my life-line and close to homicide anytime someone turns on overhead lighting. If I were to turn on Spirit at that point in the morning, I can guarantee you I'd pull my gun from its holster and blow away the face of the receiver - without regret. But that's neither here nor there.

My relationship with the station itself is beyond repair and today created even deeper wounds when one of the ads came on for a local weight loss clinic. The ad contained material such as 'God didn't create you fat' and 'be more capable to do what you've been called to do' (what?! how many strippers are doing it for the Lord?! was my first thought... oh, they're talking to teachers, pastors and strippers alike. I see...) I was sick to my stomach to hear this ad twist God's voice in such a way as to make someone think that we have the ability to take ownership of what God does in our life! What's to keep someone from feeling entitled to some of the credit for what God's done in their lives when they're under the impression that the weight loss was what made the difference in their 'success'?! Sick. What a testament to our perverse way of thinking. I think what angers me so royally is that its the same crap that I've heard in my head for so many years and through studying the Word of God its been reiterated over and over again that these are lies the Enemy forces us to believe. The ad continued down the road of lies as it joyfully described the opportunities that await you -- no diet or exercise needed!

For those who know me. I enjoy the art of exercise. Exercise is what keeps our bodies healthy and capable of performing in our daily lives. Yes! Exercise creates health and health creates a physical aptitude of sorts which then in turn can contribute to what God has called you to but that has NOTHING to do with your physique. Your heart... your lungs... your body as a whole performs at various levels and what is sufficient for one may not be sufficient for another dependent on lifestyle and only you can be held accountable as to whether or not your physical capabilities is withholding you from serving the Lord in the capacity He's asked you to serve Him. But don't for one minute think that your light weight 120lb-self is going to be able to perform better than your 180lb-self in God's kingdom following some 'fantastic opportunity' you paid for down at the lipo clinic! No, God doesn't care about your physique. He cares about why you're the way you are... I can guarantee you the result of being obese can be due to the same compulsiveness that is at fault for being 95lbs. It is a heart that worships something greater than the God you claim to serve. Whether you eat too many calories during one meal or you run 10 miles a day -- if its not honoring to the Lord, you're both at fault.

As I sat in the car today, my children in their seats behind me, I teared up. I could not stand the fact that the local Christian radio station was enabling my daughter (who asks me daily if she's beautiful) to invite such dangerous lies into her head. And I had to conscientiously remember to not discuss my 'squooshy tummy' with an heir of resentment anymore but instead discuss with her the fantastic opportunities that await us in getting outside and playing.

The Lusk Home

Here are some shots of Chad and Kathy's property in La Grand, Oregon... its beautiful. We spent the majority of time in Chad's 'man room' where I took the indoor shots. Yes, even the dessert table was set up in there... gorgeous dessert table.

Entering the property - Chad built this...

A close up -- you can see the eagle on one side and the ram on the other...


The Lusk home in the distance. A beautiful sight as it rests at the base of Mt. Emily - you are not able to see the mountain as it extends skywards directly behind the line of trees due to the fog... on a sunny day its absolutely breathtaking...

The long drive up to the house...


Looking from their deck across the valley. A cowboy boot-bird feeder in the foreground...

The deck - you can see the smoke from the BBQ. It was a feast! We had Tri-tip, moose, Coleslaw, Waldorf salad, bread, baked beans, meatballs and phenomenal desserts!

The view across the valley...


This is carved out of one moose antler -- I believe Chad bought it at Sturgis when he went...


Desserts to die for...



Congregating before everyone arrived. My Dad sipping his coffee, my brothers - David and Geoff, my Mom and Kathy in the background and Kathy's Mom setting up the desserts...

A Day to Remember a Life

Saturday, Januray 24th, 2009 will be etched in my memory just as all previous memories of the Lusk family have...

I opened the van's sliding door and gathered Ben together as I grimaced against the cold wind pelting the side of my face. Hat secured under his chin - check, jacket zipped - check, legs covered - check. He and I braved the elements as we made our way to the front entrance of La Grand High School. I entered and stomped my feet on the large door mat just inside as the euphoric smell of 'highschool hallway' took over my senses. Directly in front of me was Kathy Lusk - strikingly beautiful, dabbing at her tear-streaked face with a handkerchief and welcoming everyone individually into the auditorium. Next to her was a podium where we signed the guest book and picked up the service program - it read "Chad Dalton Lusk" with a timeless picture of him in the mountains with his dog. I quickly walked over to Kathy, kissed her cheek and embraced her. Just her voice was an oh-so-familiar and welcome sound... I knew this would be a moment I would remember for the rest of my life.

Matt met me half-way down the aisle as I searched for a seat... we exchanged kisses on the cheek and I introduced him to Ben. Amy was not far behind him and in a voice that still holds so much warmth and visceral memories for me she spoke and embraced me. We talked for a little while and I found my seat. For the next several minutes I watched as the family spoke to old friends and those they have built community with there in La Grand. It was all so surreal and full of emotion... yet numbing at the same time. There were no large pictures at the front of the auditorium, no classical music playing as people filtered in, there were no black veils and very few somber moods but instead praise and worship songs played quietly over the speaker system, Matt and Amy laughed with and embraced dear friends, most everyone smiled and enjoyed those next to them as they informed each other of their 'connection to Chad'. If I hadn't known, it would be hard to distinguish this crowd from that of a wedding ceremony. We were all there to honor the Lord God Almighty and celebrate a life short of nothing. He knew Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour, he met life head on and gave so much of himself as he lived it, and in the end, when 'tragedy' was upon he and his family, he knew that all this was was 'another adventure' - he would soon be sitting at the feet of Jesus and conversing with Him. For Chad, there was no greater adventure than that. And with his family, we would spend the next 2 hours sharing in his life together and laughing until it hurt.

Blessings to you, Kathy, Amy, Clayton, Reed and Regan... Matt, Jennifer (and the kids!) It was a blessing spending an entire day with you and your extended family. Thank you for welcoming each of us into the place that you call home... to talk about and remember the man that made that home so much of what it is.

Chad's 'Man Room' pictured at the right.

Dear Diary

Even when things aren't necessarily going on that I think are worthy of a mention, there's always something unworthy of a mention going on and if I'm using this blog as a place to 'jot my thot' then I need to give even the most menial a mention at times...

Here are a few of the small things:

1. Beer-Brined Grilled Pork Chops - best pork chops you'll ever eat. Discovered this brine a couple of weeks ago and I may have found the perfect recipe. We grilled it until the meat reached between 145 and 150 and then tented it for 5 minutes, or so. OH MY GOODNESS!

2. Tomorrow I'm traveling by myself with Benjamin to Eastern WA while Kyle has a weekend at home with the big kids. Chad Lusk's memorial service is on Saturday in La Grand, Oregon. Ben and I will be accompanying my Mom and Dad to the service and back over to the Lusk home for a BBQ and some time to visit. I expect it to be a memorable weekend as we remember Chad and give glory to the Lord for the moments we spent with him during his life.

3. Today at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), our Teaching Leader broke the ice with these police quotes that were caught on tape - it got a good laugh:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."

... but truly, it was the final one that had women laughing all the way through prayer. 150 women in the sanctuary and as Claire (our TL) is praying one woman would bust up and the chuckle would just roll through the crowd. She ended the prayer time laughing and shaking her head saying, 'that's harsh... really harsh...' - laughing still as she dismissed us.

4. The good news is that my Mastitis is almost gone and no longer painful... the bad news is that I have to go buy a load of new bras which wouldn't be much of a problem had my mother-in-law not introduced me to the bra authority - Nordstroms. $$$$

I think that's about it for right now.

I will go and hand wash the dishes in need of hand washing, change out the laundry, fold the laundry, take out the recycle and the trash, pack for the weekend away (should be easy with ONE kid), wash the counter tops and, if possible, sweep the floors.

Cheers.

Getting Back in The Saddle

I went from Friday, feeling oh-so-normal and comfortable in my own skin, to Saturday afternoon, dealing with the druthers of aging, constantly cleaning, driving a minivan and penciling in when to make mad, passionate love to my husband -- oh, not to mention, its probably behind the locked doors of our Master Bedroom as opposed to some glamorous European Bed & Breakfast... it wasn't until Sunday that I realized my lethargy and lack of motivation was due to a very subtle bout of depression that had settled on me over the course of the past 24-48 hours.

Friday evening our friends from Bellingham came down with their two girls to spend the night. Shari and I had a wonderful evening out by ourselves talking and doing some shopping together while the guys put the kids to bed at home. We mentioned to each other the oddness of still feeling like the 15-year old babysitter at heart but realizing that those same kids you babysat have now grown, married and birthed a child of their own. We were old and we were beginning to feel those feelings that we've always rolled our eyes at in others.

We made it home with little to no energy left and interrogated our husbands on the going-ons of the evening we had so wonderfully missed. We all went to bed and slept soundly, at the mercy of our offspring.

The next morning I prepared the house for a brunch with the Archers, ourselves (the Scheis) and an old friend who had recently married. Kyle, the kids and I had not met his wife as of yet and we were anxious to have them over. Then the door bell rang.

As the kids excitedly opened the door I caught a glimpse of the couple before I about tripped over my own feet. Tall, model-like, without children, and full of newly wed joy. I dug my heart out of my stomach and warmly welcomed them into my home... 'crap, they're taking their shoes off - there's dried macaroni and yesterday's apple juice still on the floor - no time to sweep this morning'. I hug and invite them into our home. They seem so regal and well-rested; so on top of the world and perfectly matched with each other; so young and energetic... so toned. No loose skin, no wrinkles, no blood shot eyes from years of trying to keep them open when all they want to do is close... just beautiful and very hydrated, if I might say so myself.

My first bullet wound came when I asked if I could interest them in a cup of coffee or a Mimosa... 'oh, no thank you, just a glass of ice water please' as I've got one of each of the aforementioned partially drunk in either hand. My eyebrows raise, I swallow my sip of coffee quickly and nod. 'of course! My apologies. I forgot that we offer that here' ... as I turn and scowl, setting my Mimosa oh-so-patiently onto the counter.

She's about 5'11" if I had to guess, blond and tone. A WHITE smile with WHITE whites of her eyes. She's witty and on top of her game. She keeps up with the guys and makes everyone laugh. She's 24 years old. I realize that while we sit there I'm staring her down like a vulture... trying to find any fault I can but finding none. She's wonderful and eloquent; she's kind-hearted and easy to have around... 'isn't there anything wrong with this girl?' Kyle asks them how they met and they tell a story just short of You've Got Mail and then after further questioning begin to disclose with us the towns they visited whilst on a 17-day cruise throughout Europe just recently.

At this point, I have nothing left. I can feel my loose skin fold over the top of my favorite jeans and my frizzy "baby hair" wisp like a halo around my face; I'm not on top of my game today due to my breast infection and clogged milk ducts and I'd be tempted to lose this party were someone tempting me with a pair of sweats and a nap.

I know that there are more important things in life. I'm fully aware of that... and today has been a good day for jumping back on the horse and getting things accomplished.

I DO love who I am and where God has me and the ins and outs of my life -- yet I do believe this is the first ever true REALITY CHECK when it came to the wear and tear of life as I've known it.

"The older you get, the more you tell it like it used to be."
-- Author Unknown

Our morning at home...

I got up with the kids at 7:15a! For those of you who know our family THAT is fantastic. Our kids go to bed around 7-7:15p every night and wake up about 6:30a every morning... that way Kyle and I have a predictable evening to ourselves and I don't mind the early morning start to our day. I'm a loon.

This morning was wonderful as the kids slept until 7:15 -- some of them even slept until 8! I woke first and let Kyle sleep... then Kyle woke and I went back to bed while Benjamin took his morning nap since I wasn't feeling so good. We decided to bag the 10:30am service that we usually go to at church and instead catch the 5pm service tonight... I just wanted to share some fun shots of our morning. I was playing with my speed light while Katie turned our living room into a bounce house and then took them upstairs for a nap when I noticed the sun coming through the window. Did you hear me? SUN! I had the kids pose while I played with the exposure.

Oh, but first, please enjoy William's 'homemade' umbrella. When he whipped this up I was inspired to get the camera -- I'm glad I did because these are some fun shots.

He figured out the camera.

Just yesterday morning Ben figured out what it means to "smile" when Mom pulls out the camera... it was awesome to see it all come together for him.

Bound

"... you'll want to pump a little once in awhile to relieve the discomfort and then keep them bound so that the milk supply is not able to replenish itself."

Just the advice made my eyes water. This advice came from the doctor I saw yesterday down in Mill Creek. I've been in the process of weaning Ben now from nursing for weeks longer than originally planned. He could care less but ONE of my two breasts will not have it! About a week ago, or so I imagine, an infection set in and has only been getting worse. I awoke yesterday morning to severe pain and an overall feeling of aches and chills. It was evident that Mastitis had set in and I only needed to go to the doctor to confirm what I believed was true and receive an antibiotic... I truly didn't know it was this painful.

If you've nursed before, you can imagine that engorgement feeling, couple it with a 'needle-like'/itchy sensation all over , top that with an Ace bandage wrapped until your melons reduce to the size of empty Capri Suns and try to fall asleep for the night. If you'd like, you can close your eyes and imagine the fantastic picture of my arms up in the air as if surrendering (please imagine one rotation of the Ace bandage already completed) and spinning whilst Kyle pulls at a 45 degree angle and pins the bandage in place. I now resemble the pear shape that I've always striven for. My hips continue to hold their "womanly" shape... my stomach has flattened back to its original "angle" although the texture fools no one that I've had my share of children... and then my chest. What chest? I have been bound and now have taken on the image of someone half way through their sex change operation. I look like a young boy. Sick. I walk off with a smug look on my face and put on a pair of Kyle's boxers (how appropeau, eh?) and slip into a long tank top. Walking back past the mirror I almost puke... poor Kyle, waiting there in bed for his prepubescent boy of a wife to slide in next to him.



I am on my 2nd day of being bound as I type this. I have had little to no luck of expressing anything and am now getting past the denial stage that I will forever be a B/C cup. The kids are beautiful, the husband's fantastic and over the top adoring of me... maybe the manly image I've somewhat come to adopt isn't so bad.

Cheers to raisins and Craisins and empty Capri Suns!

Grocery Game still proving itself true.

Here are yesterday's results:

Walgreens:
Total Bill - $34.30
Total Savings - $66.90
Percentage Savings - 66.3% savings

Albertsons:
Total Bill - $81.00
Total Savings - $67.35
Percentage Savings - 46% savings
(AND received $30 towards my next visit - no minimum purchase)

Safeway:
Total Bill - $65.64
Total Savings - $55.56
Percentage Savings - 46% savings

Question: Who am I? Please explain.

Answer: Somebody with a long track record of being a little OCD and a lot Type A. I'm an ISFJ married to an ENTP. I'm a "feeler" but mercy is NOT my gift - maybe I'm more of a "selfish feeler"... hm. Anyways, I thought the best answer to that question might most accurately be answered by dissecting my 'to do' list and my 'want to do' list:

I need to buy sandwich bags, lightbulbs, milk and salt next time I go to the store.
I need to fold my two loads of laundry upstairs.
I need to put away my two loads of unfolded laundry.
I need to decide on what to have for dinner tonight.
I need to decide where to hang the two canvases I bought on SALE at Urban Outfitters.
I need to pick up my daughter Katie in one hour at school.
I need to buy a new Blood-Glucose meter.
I need to send a week's results of my BG readings to my OB/GYN.
I want to buy a console table/sofa table.
I need to organize my mail IN/OUT area of my home.
I need to create a mail IN/OUT area in my home.
I need to build my photography website.
I need to connect with another, more experienced, photographer to go on a shoot with.
I want to call Jesseca and see how she is!
I want to connect with Michelle D.!
I want to buy a couple nice table lamps for the living room.
I want to buy a house in a year. Ideally, 4-5 rooms, 2.5 bath, a bonus room, a den and a yard.
I want to want to have more sex. *You are a very patient husband, Kyle.
I need to put away my Christmas garland that's still hanging on the banister.
I need to reorganize my garage totes so that all the kids' clothes are in their proper storage places.
I want to buy more Queen-size sheet sets.
I want to put Ben in the kids' room for nap time and bedtime.
I need to burn and send the CD of Christmas photos to Lesley.
I need to file away all my coupons and cut coupons from this week's paper.
I need to schedule with a friend a weekend away at Cama Beach State Park.
I need to schedule a weekend away with Kyle at The Cave B Inn in George, WA.
I need to schedule a weekend away with the O'Sheas.
I need to read the material that arrived in Katie's school bag on Friday.
I need to get organized enough to re-enlist my children for preschool this Fall.

... and I'm sure there's more. Let me know if you have any thoughts or can help me in any way.

What once was luxurious.

What once was luxurious is now the embodiment of efficiency. Everything has a purpose - dining out with the kids, although more costly than staying home, is becoming the means by which Kyle and I teach our children etiquette; sex, although a luxurious act in and of itself, is rearing its head in the craziest times and places just for the mere sanity it brings to our marriage - we'll take 10 minutes when we can get it; talking has lost its luster as I'm not much of a "chatter" by nature but everything that comes out of my mouth costs me energy and since my children demand quite a lot whether it be in the car... while I'm on the potty... while I'm trying to write an email... while we're just 'being'... I try to make each word purposeful; a glass of wine is to unwind - 3.99/bottle does the job; a sit-down meal means cutting my food into bite-size pieces so that I may dine one handed as I pass the table in the course of holding a baby, refilling juice cups, and wiping hands...

I love my life and I love where God has me, don't get me wrong... but I've realized that every minute of my day whether it be relaxation or on-the-go is intentional. Yes, even the 'unintentional time' is intentional... jumping in the snow, taking a wagon ride, making a fort, watching Ratatouille again and wearing my pajamas until after Noon.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

WARNING: This post is not for the faint of heart. Its disturbing and could cause intense visceral reactions which, in turn, may cause you to call the authorities on me.

This morning was wonderful until the moment Katie decided to tell everyone how tired she was. I didn't think that was such a problem, she just needed to go have a lay down! Problem solved.

Not problem solved. In fact, she was tired and everyone needed to do her bidding in order for her to get some shut eye the way she wanted it and where she wanted it. I stood in amazement, half-dressed and mascara wand in hand as she laid down in MY bed (so that she could hear me while I got ready) and asked her brother to not look at her, talk to her or make any noise for that matter so as not to wake her up. I, in my puzzled state, told her quite matter-of-factly that William can look at her, probably will look at her, and the likelihood of him being silent during our morning ritual of play-while-Mom-gets-ready is rather slim. "Honey, if you're tired, go lay down on your bed in your room where its nice and quiet."

She flipped. Truly flipped. The covers flew back and as she continued to discuss with me her qualms about being in her room she only got more angry - no one was doing it her way and she couldn't handle it. She began raising her voice in annoyance as I stood there quietly and listened to her problem, nodding my head slowly. "Katie, please lower your voice. Your baby brother is sleeping the next room over and I'll be very disappointed if you wake him up..." She let out an ear-piercing scream and through it I could just barely make out the exact same argument that she'd already made seconds prior. In her disobedience, she was due a discipline and so I took her hand and led her out of the room -- she broke free from my grasp and rushed down the hallway, past Ben's room, screaming bloody murder as I followed her calmly. "I DON'T... LIKE... DISCIPLIIIIIIIIINES! I'M JUST... SO... TIRRRRRRED!" I took a deep breath, picked her up, and took her into the guest bedroom as she kicked and squirmed in my arms. She received her discipline and we spoke... but the change of heart did not happen. At this point my anger was coming into play and so I removed myself from her presence and let her bring the house down on her own. Ben was now awake and crying from fear that the roof was caving in... William ran around like a chicken with its head cut off in bewilderment as to what was wrong with his sister and I breathed and prayed on my way back to my bathroom.

I got myself together, picked up Ben and got William dressed for the day. All the while Katie screamed incessantly - still angry that she wasn't able to sleep like she'd wanted to because "no one would let her" and "she was so tired". I ignored her. I knew nothing was getting through and she just needed to exert all her energy before she would be able to think straight. The boys and I went downstairs and as I was walking out into the kitchen, Ben in my arms and William running ahead, I heard Katie's footsteps racing down the carpeted stairs as insanely fast as she could -- she was so mad. Not only was she not able to sleep but now everyone was ignoring her maddening pleas to get her way! "I WANT TO SLEEP IN YOUR ROOOOOOOM! I WANT YOU TO KEEP GETTING READY SO I CAN SLEEP AND HEAR YOOOOOOOUUU!"... "MOOOOOOOM! LISTEN TO MEEEEE!" She ran up and with, what I could feel in the air, an ounce of hesitation...

She hit me. Hard.

I spun around so fast and got down on her level. In my most demanding and feared voice I warned her, "Don't... you... EVER... hit... me." Her eyes welled up with tears and she continued the tirade. I turned around, continued into the kitchen and let her do her thing. She knew what she had done was just short of a death-sentence and she was, for a moment, a little more thoughtful. Simple screaming sufficed. As I made my way back to the stairs moments later to go up and get dressed, she followed me. She ran up behind me and again hit me as hard as she could... in my complete and utter shock, I whipped around -

and I slapped her. Not hard, mind you, but I slapped my 4 year old! I don't remember my Mom's hand on my cheek until I had bad-mouthed her at the ripe and unintelligent age of 16 years!

Katie's shock was not short of my own. Nor was my behavior short of hers. Unbelievable. Like Mother, Like Daughter. I believe we had both tread upon grounds unable to be forgotten. Two women in one house for another 13.5 years (no, I'm not counting) - two women with tempers, none the less.

I spun around again and continued my climb up the stairs, shaking my head. As for now, I would need to control the intense urge to let loose my anger so as not to give her any justification for her own intense urges.

Katie's tirade continued until she came to the understanding that she needed to go into her room and call me when her heart had changed. At that moment, I came into her room as she tried to catch her breath. Eyes swollen, cheeks flushed and hair sweaty she sobbed her way through an apology. She apologized for everything before I had the opportunity to remind her of what she needed to apologize for!

I stood and listened and the minute I made a move towards the door to go and quickly tend to William downstairs she simply asked for a hug... oh bless her little heart! The repentance came pouring forth the moment my arms were around her. She was sooooo sad that she woke up Ben, she was soooo sad that she made the choice to hit me and she was soooo sad that she had been disrespectful by screaming at me. It was incredible to watch as she became aware of, and owned, her behavior. As she continued on, with tears in her eyes, she talked through things like 'Mom, I think you are right. Prayer does work to help me not be scared at night...' hmmm, interesting that she's chosen this moment to express these views, but ok! I'll take it whenever I can get it! 'Mom, I think that when I'm really angry and I pray God can hear me and He will help me change my heart. I think you're right when you tell me that...'

It was a wonderful moment. Just she and I discussing the things of God and engaging ourselves in topics that I've dreamed of talking with my children about.

So many years ahead... so many more mess-ups to come... and so thankful for a God who is bigger than myself to rely on for strength and endurance.

"Dear Katie, you are definitely my daughter. I will try my best to teach you the ways of God when it comes to our untamed anger issues - I know I have learned a lot in the last 10 years of being married to your gentle, patient and gracious Dad. God bless his soul! He must have nine lives. Pursue the Lord and don't think for a day that you can make it without Him - He will bring you patience and sanity, joy and peace. God bless you, child."

Chad Lusk

Chad Lusk

The night was weird. Unlike any night I believe I've ever had... dreams were extremely vivid and unfamiliar. They were each compilations of scenarios that shouldn't belong together and people that don't make sense being in the same room. I tossed and turned sweating like a pig and awoke to the startling sound of my cell phone on my nightstand...

Let me take you back about 12 hours. Sitting at the dinner table, surrounded by my Small Group members, my phone rang in my purse. I saw that it was NOT the babysitter but instead the caller ID read "Berges Home" with a symbolic image of a little white home. I ignored the phone call and went back to my dinner... not more than 10 minutes later, the phone rings. I retrieved the phone from my purse knowing that my Mom would be the only one calling me more than once and I immediately walked away from the table into the kitchen. There could only be one reason why she was calling and I didn't want to hear it no matter how real it was... I answered with a bounce in my voice hoping that just maybe she would respond with Lottery news.

Her countenance was solemn and her words were to the point. "Chad's organs are shutting down," with a catch in her throat. "Dad cleared his appointments for the day and is on his way down there now." My soul is downcast and my vision blurs but I want to cut to the chase and quick so that I can begin processing. "Mom, are they thinking the night and that's it?" "That's what the thought is..." We both cry for a moment in silence and I thank her for calling... we chat a moment longer and hang up. I knew the next 12 hours would be long for everyone involved.

I reach over to the nightstand and answer the phone. My Mom's barely audible voice mentions that "Chad went home"... "about 4am this morning". I take a deep breath, knowing there's nothing to say and thank my Mom for calling. I hang up the phone and roll onto my side... I peer out the the windows as the storm that had been beating at the house all night slowly subsides... and I cry. A good hard cry. Not for myself but for those that will experience for the next few hours a void that has never been experienced. Chad Lusk, like a said before, 'a depiction of handsome meets mountain man', is gone and the lack of his presence will affect everyone who ever knew him.

Kathy, Amy, and Matt... our prayers are with you. What an awesome man your husband, your Dad, was and will always be to those that got to experience him.

Cheese and Wine.

So, I thought it appropriate to share this fun link that I found on my friend, Rebecca's, blog being that my "lady's night out" is tonight. Its fun to look through! What I'm most excited about is that it clearly doesn't matter which drink you choose, Gorgonzola goes great with it. Mmmmm... ANY kind of bleu cheese is fine by me - be it Gorgonzola or Stilton or...

Here's the link:
Cheese Cupid

Enjoy!

Per Schwark's request...

A few more Schei family shots from our "almost successful day" on Sunday...

Introducing my 14 year old, Katie. She just got told that she does have to go on the family trip with Mom, Dad and her brothers. "So uncool," she responds in disgust, "I bet Ava's Mom and Dad don't make her do such dumb things."



A few family shots -- too far away, unfortunately... its pretty cute having Ben walk between Kyle and I. And wasn't sure if I liked it better in color or B/W.