Like Mother, Like Daughter

WARNING: This post is not for the faint of heart. Its disturbing and could cause intense visceral reactions which, in turn, may cause you to call the authorities on me.

This morning was wonderful until the moment Katie decided to tell everyone how tired she was. I didn't think that was such a problem, she just needed to go have a lay down! Problem solved.

Not problem solved. In fact, she was tired and everyone needed to do her bidding in order for her to get some shut eye the way she wanted it and where she wanted it. I stood in amazement, half-dressed and mascara wand in hand as she laid down in MY bed (so that she could hear me while I got ready) and asked her brother to not look at her, talk to her or make any noise for that matter so as not to wake her up. I, in my puzzled state, told her quite matter-of-factly that William can look at her, probably will look at her, and the likelihood of him being silent during our morning ritual of play-while-Mom-gets-ready is rather slim. "Honey, if you're tired, go lay down on your bed in your room where its nice and quiet."

She flipped. Truly flipped. The covers flew back and as she continued to discuss with me her qualms about being in her room she only got more angry - no one was doing it her way and she couldn't handle it. She began raising her voice in annoyance as I stood there quietly and listened to her problem, nodding my head slowly. "Katie, please lower your voice. Your baby brother is sleeping the next room over and I'll be very disappointed if you wake him up..." She let out an ear-piercing scream and through it I could just barely make out the exact same argument that she'd already made seconds prior. In her disobedience, she was due a discipline and so I took her hand and led her out of the room -- she broke free from my grasp and rushed down the hallway, past Ben's room, screaming bloody murder as I followed her calmly. "I DON'T... LIKE... DISCIPLIIIIIIIIINES! I'M JUST... SO... TIRRRRRRED!" I took a deep breath, picked her up, and took her into the guest bedroom as she kicked and squirmed in my arms. She received her discipline and we spoke... but the change of heart did not happen. At this point my anger was coming into play and so I removed myself from her presence and let her bring the house down on her own. Ben was now awake and crying from fear that the roof was caving in... William ran around like a chicken with its head cut off in bewilderment as to what was wrong with his sister and I breathed and prayed on my way back to my bathroom.

I got myself together, picked up Ben and got William dressed for the day. All the while Katie screamed incessantly - still angry that she wasn't able to sleep like she'd wanted to because "no one would let her" and "she was so tired". I ignored her. I knew nothing was getting through and she just needed to exert all her energy before she would be able to think straight. The boys and I went downstairs and as I was walking out into the kitchen, Ben in my arms and William running ahead, I heard Katie's footsteps racing down the carpeted stairs as insanely fast as she could -- she was so mad. Not only was she not able to sleep but now everyone was ignoring her maddening pleas to get her way! "I WANT TO SLEEP IN YOUR ROOOOOOOM! I WANT YOU TO KEEP GETTING READY SO I CAN SLEEP AND HEAR YOOOOOOOUUU!"... "MOOOOOOOM! LISTEN TO MEEEEE!" She ran up and with, what I could feel in the air, an ounce of hesitation...

She hit me. Hard.

I spun around so fast and got down on her level. In my most demanding and feared voice I warned her, "Don't... you... EVER... hit... me." Her eyes welled up with tears and she continued the tirade. I turned around, continued into the kitchen and let her do her thing. She knew what she had done was just short of a death-sentence and she was, for a moment, a little more thoughtful. Simple screaming sufficed. As I made my way back to the stairs moments later to go up and get dressed, she followed me. She ran up behind me and again hit me as hard as she could... in my complete and utter shock, I whipped around -

and I slapped her. Not hard, mind you, but I slapped my 4 year old! I don't remember my Mom's hand on my cheek until I had bad-mouthed her at the ripe and unintelligent age of 16 years!

Katie's shock was not short of my own. Nor was my behavior short of hers. Unbelievable. Like Mother, Like Daughter. I believe we had both tread upon grounds unable to be forgotten. Two women in one house for another 13.5 years (no, I'm not counting) - two women with tempers, none the less.

I spun around again and continued my climb up the stairs, shaking my head. As for now, I would need to control the intense urge to let loose my anger so as not to give her any justification for her own intense urges.

Katie's tirade continued until she came to the understanding that she needed to go into her room and call me when her heart had changed. At that moment, I came into her room as she tried to catch her breath. Eyes swollen, cheeks flushed and hair sweaty she sobbed her way through an apology. She apologized for everything before I had the opportunity to remind her of what she needed to apologize for!

I stood and listened and the minute I made a move towards the door to go and quickly tend to William downstairs she simply asked for a hug... oh bless her little heart! The repentance came pouring forth the moment my arms were around her. She was sooooo sad that she woke up Ben, she was soooo sad that she made the choice to hit me and she was soooo sad that she had been disrespectful by screaming at me. It was incredible to watch as she became aware of, and owned, her behavior. As she continued on, with tears in her eyes, she talked through things like 'Mom, I think you are right. Prayer does work to help me not be scared at night...' hmmm, interesting that she's chosen this moment to express these views, but ok! I'll take it whenever I can get it! 'Mom, I think that when I'm really angry and I pray God can hear me and He will help me change my heart. I think you're right when you tell me that...'

It was a wonderful moment. Just she and I discussing the things of God and engaging ourselves in topics that I've dreamed of talking with my children about.

So many years ahead... so many more mess-ups to come... and so thankful for a God who is bigger than myself to rely on for strength and endurance.

"Dear Katie, you are definitely my daughter. I will try my best to teach you the ways of God when it comes to our untamed anger issues - I know I have learned a lot in the last 10 years of being married to your gentle, patient and gracious Dad. God bless his soul! He must have nine lives. Pursue the Lord and don't think for a day that you can make it without Him - He will bring you patience and sanity, joy and peace. God bless you, child."